How Often Do You Say Yes When You Mean No?
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Maureen_C_Collins]Maureen C Collins
We say yes when we really want to say no because we fear that others will criticise us for being selfish, uncaring or unhelpful. We say yes to hold onto the illusion that we can be there for everyone, the dependable fall-back in every crisis, the perfect employee, perfect friend and perfect partner. We say yes to others when we don’t give our personal needs and dreams the respect and priority they deserve, and end up sacrificing our self-respect to gain the approval.
The consequence is that we do things we don’t enjoy with people we don’t like; we put ourselves out for people who don’t appreciate our efforts; and we spend our time on their wants and demands when we could be pursuing our own needs.
Playing nice to gain approval comes with a downside. You have no time or energy left to follow your own dreams or desires, if you could even remember what they were. You feel bitter and resentful about the lack of appreciation from those you have helped, and as your true feelings start to show, you become negative, critical and even spiteful. Your self- esteem drops further and your stress level rises. Depression and physical health issues are sure to follow.
Being able to say no is one of the most important skills you need to keep yourself in a good space. It helps you get a life. It’s the way you do it that matters. Use the acronym CARE to organise it properly.
C is for clear
Start by finding out exactly what the other person wants from you. Ask for the details of what, when, who, why and how much. Make sure you are clear about what you are getting into.
A is for acknowledge
Acknowledge the request. Make sure the person knows you have heard and understood what they want, and that you are in a position to consider it fairly. It means that if you decide to turn it down they can be reassured you have not done so thoughtlessly or without listening. You might say, ‘So let me check. You want me to…’ or ‘Okay, you’re asking if I can…is that right?’
R is for recognise
Before you make your decision, stop and recognise your own needs, resources and skills, constraints and priorities. Do you really have time for this? Do you have the skill to do it? Would you enjoy doing it or is it something you dislike? If someone wants to push you into doing something that suits them but not you, be prepared for them to pressurise you to agree immediately. Don’t be afraid to take time to make a decision that is good for you.
E is for effect
Think through the effect of your decision. If you say no, will it have a negative effect on an important relationship or your career? Will you become stressed and exhausted or will the request fit easily into your schedule? Decisions have both short and long term effects. Think of both before you make up your mind.
Finally, when you decide to say no, first explain what you have considered in arriving at your decision. Be brief. Be honest. Don’t apologise and don’t explain unnecessarily. Simply allow the other person to see that you have made your decision thoughtfully and carefully.
They might wish you had said yes and been a pushover, but if they have any care for you at all, they will respect your decision and the way you made it. Sometimes you may be able to offer a compromise. If not, simply say you cannot help.
Think of all the times that saying yes got you into stressful situations that were beyond your capabilities and responsibilities or not in your best interests. Next time, try saying no and notice the positive effect it has on your stress level.
Maureen Collins has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of management and consulting experience in the corporate world. She specialises in communication skills in various contexts: leading and managing, team building, handling change, and performance management. Her consulting practice, Straight Talk, trains people in the skills to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people. Read more on http://www.straight-talk.co.za
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?How-Often-Do-You-Say-Yes-When-You-Mean-No?&id=6853444] How Often Do You Say Yes When You Mean No?
